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How NOT to play Interstate '76 on the Internet
by Toxic Avenger

 This article originally appeared in the August '97 release of PlayKill Magazine  

Missiles work great in multi-melee. I'm not talking about firerites; those suck because you have to aim them. You should use as many aim-neins, dr radars, or even cherubs as you can fit on your car. Go ahead and hack your droppers into turreted missile launchers too. If you are not big on thinking, like me, then you too can use hack 76 to do all kinds of nasty things to your car so that you don't die as often (or ever). I HIGHLY recommend doing this as often as possible.  

If you don't feel like using missiles, then maybe you should try clusters. The more clusters you use, the better. The only drawback about clusters is that they require you to aim a little. But don't worry... you don't have to do much more than point your car towards an opponent and fire away.  

Another way to make everyone in a multi melee game have fun is to use lots of land mines. Once again you can use Hack 76 to put more droppers than Activision intended on your car (like Activision knew what they were doing anyway). People in a fighting game love it when you join and start putting land mines all over the place. They make it so that you have to be more careful where you drive. Now isn't that fun? Oh yeah, you can do the same thing with blox droppers, but for some reason they are not as fun.

Through the miracle of unlimited chassis points, huge tires, and the F12 key, you need not know how to drive.
Bad is good.  

What you need to realize about using the internet is that nobody knows who you really are. This means that even if you are a complete wuss like me, you can talk big and pretend like you are a badass football player or someone who is old enough to drink.  

Another thing to remember is that, on the internet, nobody can do anything to you. So you can talk bad about anyone or say anything you want, and it doesn't matter. In short, you should use I76 games and message boards to relieve all your frustrations (sexual or otherwise) in the form of abusive language and threats. You should use the internet as an opportunity to feel better about yourself by insulting and harassing other people.

Up to this point, you have been reading my college level writing. But there is a better and much simpler way to write when it comes to message boards or games. U should use as many abbreviations as possible. U will b able 2 type much mor w/out pushing as many keys. It is also easier 2 read. Anuther style o riting that lots a people use is 2 not make sens. Jus type jibberish. U may have seen people who use this method n message boards. It goo 2 du tha thing cause it good and me happy with pants. Hack 4 eva, kill yanks.  

If u dont no what that means, then you dont deserve 2. (or 3 for that matter).

Gangs and Associations:  
Any group of people who have fun playing I76 are a bunch of pansies. Why use some price list to restrict the amount of stuff you can put on your car when you can just hack any old thing you want on it. Some people are so stupid.  

If you see any of the groups that has fun (or is against hacks), you should insult them immediately. A good insult to use if you can't think of one is "you are a pussy". Or simply "you suck". You don't need to justify why they suck, you need only say that they do. It doesn't matter what anybody else says... you are always right.

Not much needs to be said about this. Hack and hack often. Hacking is what you are supposed to do in every game you play. Who wants to see if they have enough skill to beat trip missions, or even multi melee opponents in an unhacked car, when you can have 8000000+ armor on a side with 6 turreted cherub launchers. Sure, I could beat the game or any I76 player without hacking, but I don't want to.   

Everybody knows that people in No Hacks games enjoy seeing a flying bus every now and then. So join games labeled No Hacks in your worst hack, and if they tell you to leave, start complaining. Don't hackers have a right to play too? Those non-hackers are so unfair.  

There are some non-hackers who are cool though. The people who are against all hacks... except paint and armor and tire and chassis hacks. Forget about hypocrisy, these guys are cool.  

Above all, remember this: "If it weren't for hackers, nobody would play I76 at all" A great hacker said that once, and we should all remember it.

Disclaimer: Any opinions, statements or other form of communication whether expressed or implied by this page, are NOT the opinions of the Hollow Points, Thibor, the Honor Guard, Bob Bitchin, and in THIS case, not even Toxy himself. If you don't get the joke, look up the word SATIRE in the dictionary. Have a nice day.