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I'76 Revelations
By SuiCyco

What is wrong with my cars? I put good weapons on them and then in internet play people tell me I am carrying 30 caliber machine guns!

Revelations 1:1: A simple solution, my son. Thou shalt have Nine car variants per car, not Ten, and thou will not forsake thy I'76 God with 11 variants. Nine. Nine is the number. So it is written, so it shall be done. If thou willst create 10 variants, thou will feel the wrath of this variant being overwritten by the archaic DOS file structure of old. The variant number One will then possess the soul of variant number Ten, and thou hardpoints will lie barren.

My car was in perfect condition and then a helicopter flew over and hit me with a handful of bullets in the roof. I blew up! What happened, Father?

Revelations 1:2: Thy God created his auto vigilante creations in his own image. This includes a weak roof. And when struck upon from the heavens, be it High Explosive Mortar, White Phosphorus Mortar, or Turreted Cannon, pity be cast upon thy soul, for death is near. And let the hacker know, that lest he be in full leauge with Satan, and have the mark (Hex WorkShop 32-bit), he too shall have this weakness.

The other day I was taunting someone from a cliff ledge, and from far below they fired mortars onto the cliff face. I was 5 stories above them, but still, I took damage and died. What is going on here?

Revelations 1:3: Let it be known, thy mortar is the demon spawn of Satan himself, and as such has unnatural powers. To mock the carriers of the mortar from a cliff face in sheer ignorance is to surely mock death itself. Ye have been warned: do not embrace thy Mortar, rather, fear it. For the powers of the mortar are the powers of Satan himself, and those who exploit it's unnatural abilities shall surely burn in awesome hellfire.

I was stuck in a pit the other day on a nasty map.. how do I get out?

Revelations 1:4: Joshua drove his rear wheel drive muscle car into a dark crater. And there he lied, stuck in the pit for 13 days. Aaron, seeing his plight, spake to him "thou cannot escape such a deep pit driving straight out!" Joshua, knowing this, cried. But God felt pity for him, and spoke down to him. "Joshua, go in reverse, and back thy muscle car out of the pit, as if you have a front wheel drive automobile." Hearing this, Joshua listened and followed the directions of The Lord. Joshua was then freed from the clutches of the dark pit.

What do mudflaps really do?

Revelations 1:5: Thy mudflap shall protect you in rough and uncharted lands. Thy mudflap shall not strengthen thy bones, and shall not sheild you from war. Nay, thy mudflap is as if boots for thy feet. Wear them in rough travels only.

Following the path of holy goodness, I noticed a break in the road, accompanied by a 200 foot drop. I could not pass, though I knew I must! What can be done?

Revelations 1:6: God watched from above in sorrow as Man foolishly leaped to their deaths again and again from tall jumps. Seeing a black Lep, preparing to make take the final plunge, he called out to him... "Right before you leave thy Thrill Show Ramp, I command thee, do a slight E-brake and turn hard!" The lep, however, did not believe in the work of the Lord, and died. Others listened to the advice however.

The other day, a Manta, armed with 4 mortars, chased me at high speeds, and killed himself! How did he do this?

Revelations 1:7: When Satan created the mortar (Praise be to the LORD!), he created it in his own image, and to try to outrun the Devil with which the carrier of 4 linked mortars has made a pact, (Praise be to the LORD!) is to be thrown into his clutches for eternity. Thou cannot escape thy own Evil Devices, once ye have embraced the Dark Prince (Praise be to the LORD!) at high speeds.

As I traveled across a bridge, mines and oil slicks proceeded to consume my vehicle of holy righteousness, what has happened?!

Revelations 1:8: And on the eighth day, when God was very tired, and slothlike from creation, he empowered The Dark Angel with the ability to create truss and highway bridges. The Fallen Angel, seeing his opportunity to wreak havoc on the work of The Lord, blinded from the sight of all mortal men, the perils that lie in wait on these structures.

Oh Father! How may I cross a chasm with no bridge to be found?

Revelations 1:9: With thy mine as thy bridge, lay a brace of them where you plan to take Holy Flight. And then with Godspeed, drive over thy explosive devices with great force! Thou willst fly through The Lords Heavens in glorious fullfillment of thy conquest. But be wary child, for Satan's wrath awaits those who decide to stack, oh, say 20 or 30 mines for jumping purposes.

Why would a traveler choose coil suspension over Ether-X, a V-8 over a V-10, and other, less valuable baubles?

Revelations 1:10: The beauty of the most expensive drivetrain and suspension components is only skin deep, my son. Like the carpenters cup of our Lord's Son, thou must find beauty in they simplest of components, herein lies strength, and durability.